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She could see he was disturbed by the album, so said “So?” he explained that “erotic though it was, he didn’t understand the thinking behind the act!” she smiled, “well, it`s complicated, you see both men had wooed me, your dad, my Jim had won, by a long chalk as it happened, but they as brothers wanted to share me.” he nodded, she went on “now don’t you go thinking that your dad was a wimp, enjoying being a sub, he was no such thing, that, in reality was not what it was all about, but they took turns being dominant! He nodded not really grasping the full implications as yet. “You will see in the other albums, that I wanted something else entirely, I wanted to be used and abused, by both of them, and not just in a ritualistic way, but savagely, erotically but sadistically, even painfully. I wanted to be a sexual plaything!” he asked, “do you still?” her answer was considered, then she said, “well I don’t know really, I thought I was over all that when first Olly, then Jim passed. When she arrived he turned up with another girl, and someone she knew…oh how sad she was that night. And jealous! She decided to ignore him and focused on the person beside her and talked to them. When she finally went home she burst into tears. The first time she’d ever cried over a guy. She managed to wait till she tidied her bed of clothes (she nearly tried on every bit of clothing she had in choosing an outfit) but after that the tears wouldn’t stop. She cried into her pillow twice, tried to sleep, was wide awake so cried again, the pattern repeating. There were a number of reasons she was so sad. For one she was given quite a blow after feeling so happy, and for another, her life had never been particularly easy in that department. And now it seemed she will never find someone she can love. And Anton had seemed perfect for her and when caring for someone, she cares very deeply. So the blow left Carmen with the hopelessness of finding someone again. On awakening the following.
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