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Thoughts about; the strength of our marriage, and had I secretly enjoyed it, though I didn’t get much from the sex itself the being secured and the feeling of being helpless and dominated was stimulating in the most exciting way and being used had been fantastic and had opened a new door for me though I did not admit it then..It made for a very sleepless night. Anyway next morning his mate left and Andy with a hangover said nothing about the previous night, no apology nothing and I did think that was the end of it, which for a while it was. However after a week or two the whole scenario must have got to Andy and he bought the subject up again, this time he suggested he wanted to watch me with a stranger and he promised not to be drunk, saying that my reaction might be different, it being a stranger and I might even enjoy it. I had wondered if he had even remembered what had happened but this proved to me that he had and I was a little miffed that he had not managed to talk of. The pain was intense. I needed to exorcise the pain inside me.I opened my desk drawer and took out my Swiss army knife. I ran my finger along the edge of the blade to satisfy myself with its sharpness. I undressed and threw my clothes in the corner, taking a seat on my desk chair. Here I sat naked with a knife in my hand.In my estranged mind, I could only think that I could rid myself of one pain by creating another pain to replace it. The sun shone brightly through my window on my darkest day, bouncing off the silver coating of the knife’s blade. Holding the knife firmly, I dragged the shape edge across the width of my thigh and watched the white flesh separate into two parts, filling the middle with blood.I didn’t understand why it didn’t hurt, so I made a second cut parallel to the first one. I grabbed for my gym towel but not before a small pool of blood puddled next to my feet. After the third cut, I realized that this did not provide any relief for the deep hurt I was feeling.
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