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I'd spend hours choosing and worrying. Just for two minutes at check-outwhere I'd blush furiously. I hoped the employees were thinking that Iwould never-ever-ever-ever-ever become a m*n. Sometimes it was a womanat the counter--though I'd try to time it so I got a male librarian. Intime, I became dissatisfied by the appalling shortage of manlylibrarians. I tried writing letters of complaint. I thought myarguments that they be taller, younger and wear fewer cardigans andglasses were pretty convincing. Signing as "A Concerned Adult" wasbrilliant! Email was too risky. So the downfall of my plan washandwriting them in pencil.On my way out I'd shove all the hard-won books in the returns slot, sothey'd be shelved and ready for me to not read them again next week.Long before High School, I began experimenting more publically. Mincingwas my aim. I must have looked mentally challenged at first. Alwaysreminding myself to take the teensiest steps, but since my walk to schoolwasn't. “How are you feeling now?”“Actually, much better. I was really struggling with had happened and how you would react. Yes, I know shut up. It’s all very well what is said about theoretical situations, but when reality comes along and bites your butt, it’s a whole different story. Picture an eighteen year old me running down a hall screaming her head off, that’s what was going on in my head. I just needed time to work through that and get back to forty-three year old me again.”“And did Diane say anything surprising?”“No, she checked I was okay, eventually.” I raised an eyebrow and she continued, “At first she just climbed in and hugged me, somehow she knew I was still processing. I had a little cry, then she just held me while we talked, she was saying sorry, she feels so guilty about it. Then asking how I was and what was going through my head, finally saying about the legal stuff she told you. We had just stopped talking when you came in.“Would you have done it?” Tina asked with an.
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