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‘Darling can you suggest an enterprising way in which I could invest this almost $2 million and make oodles of money?’ Tom’s head whirled like a computer hard drive and he smiled because Nicci had just wet his fingers. ‘Yeah, you buy a70% share of a large car painting business in New Jersey and we’ll look after the advertising for you. You change the name of the company signage to Nicci’s Paint Shop for Changing the Color of Women’s Cars.’ ‘Oh darling, I do believe that will be a sensational success and my business will have many satisfied clients back for repeat business as color preferences do change seasonally and with fashion. Fingers back please darling – I’m burning in excitement and must go again.’ Tom went home alone from the restaurant because a chauffeured car arrived to take Nicci somewhere else to join her husband. He arrived in a happy mood and looking around at his small dwelling though he was happy enough to stay there. Happy enough? Well he could well afford to. I try to eradicate him from my thoughts, I really do, but it is not easy and I feel like a terrible, inadequate person because I have not found the strength to accomplish it. Especially as it complicates certain aspects of my relationship with Darci, like sex, for example. There have been times where it is not her I think of and it is not her name that I wish to call out. This has caused me to become more careful during our love making, and I have grown increasingly anxious when all I desperately want to do is let go and enjoy myself. I keep going back and forth with the thinking that I should let him go somehow and give my all to Darci. It is what she deserves given everything that she has done for me, after all. But in truth, I do not want to. I want to have him in my life, even if it is in small patches now. I still can not find a reasoning for why I feel this way and at times, it is maddening. I feel like there is a constant war being waged inside me and no matter what I do, I.
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