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” Even after that, the only time I could attend a service was still when he would say Mass very late at night, for me only, and offer me the Eucharist. At those times, I was even permitted to act as his altar boy. I very quickly learned how it all went, soon knowing the responses and what I should do. As spring began to give way to summer, I noticed that I had recently begun to grow taller. Studying myself carefully in the mirror, I saw the way the shape of my little boy’s face was also changing subtly. I noticed hair growing in places it had never grown before. I started wondering what I would look like as a man. As a boy, I was rather a cute little demon. Would I be so cute when I grew up, or would my appearance instead become more terrifying, so that others would be afraid of me? Along with the warming weather and the changes in my body came a sense of restlessness. Although I still read voraciously, I was thoroughly tired of remaining cooped up indoors. I felt the need. ” “If you want to.” “I do. I desperately do. I can’t keep this to myself anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.” I told Tina about everything then. How Tony had first presented his dilemma to me. How I had posed as his bride. How I had fallen in love with my best friend, and that he probably felt the same way, but it was hard for him. He had to deal with his masculine side. I had obviously given up on that a long time ago. Tina listened attentively through the endless row of joys and doubts, self-loathing and love. It was an enormous relief to finally be able to share my confusion with someone. “He’s such a jerk.” Tina was frowning by the end of my tale. “Why doesn’t he just admit his feelings? I know he loves you. I can hear it in his voice every time we speak. And he certainly owes you that much. You mustn’t go aroung thinking that you have done something to deserve this. I’ll have a talk with him.” That ended our little awkward greeting, and those two days were the next.
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