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But to me it became almost an obsession, a craving to share her sexually with Tom.I think the trigger for me was when I was confronted by her initial blushing embarrassment, yet her conflicting compulsion to be sexy and flirtatious. Shewould look at him and her nervous throaty giggles were like liquid sex ... like warm water pouring over the head of my penis. I began to experience a heady combination of jealousy and fascination that made my knees get weak and my stomach churn. My penis would swell when I watched her flirt or walk past him with her blouse open.Why did I feel jealousy and still an urge to yield sexual access to my pretty wife? ... I didn't know, but it was a nagging impulsive thought that was always lurking in my mind. They would brush past each other in the tiny kitchen and I would imagine them touching. At night we whispered about it in bed."I'd like to see you with Tom," I'd whisper."Oh you're silly ... I ... couldn't..."I began to have a fantasy that they made love. What killed him?’ She looked at me and her eyes welled with tears. ‘You know I can’t Russell. You know what kind of relationship we had. You know the rules.’ ‘Well you’re gong to tell the cops. They don’t care about your rules, so you’d might as well tell me.’ She looked at me and started to cry, her shoulders falling as if the weight were just too much. ‘You’ve got to help me, Russell. You’ve got to help me! Please!’ She was wearing a thick, soft, coffee-colored sweater that made her look even paler than she was, so big she looked lost in it, and I couldn’t help what I felt. I could never help what I felt when I was around her and that’s why I lost her, because she drove me crazy until I was finally out of control, and what she needed was control. What she needed more than anything was control and I couldn’t give it to her and he could. She came to me now with her arms out, ready for my embrace. Ready to be hugged now, but not for my love, but for my protection. She came to me,.
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