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"... Luke?" the sound of your own name snapping you back to reality."Hmm?" is all you could reply while looking back at Dr. Mulstein. His appearance just as boring as his office, and his voice to boot. Must be in his early 50's, hair mostly grey now but you can still see the specs of black in there from his more youthful days, small rectangular glasses down at the end of his rather generously proportioned nose, his face giving away years of frowning and looking gloomy, the edges of his mouth seems to be in a permanent frown now, kind of reminds me of a mastiff dog breed. Solid grey suit, with a plain white shirt and a plain grey tie. Everything about this mans appearance screams "I gave up trying to look good in university"."Tell me, what were you thinking about just then?" his nasal voice asked, pretending to be interested."Oh, nothing." your half-assed reply"Luke..." Ok fine, I was thinking about breaking someones neck to steal their car, speeding down to California to have a. The sexual identity I felt an affinity with was that of a feminine or"lipstick" lesbian. However, whilst most of the lesbians accepted me, Iknew deep down I would not be attractive to them because I was male. Igot lucky a couple of times but usually they accepted me as part oftheir group socially but that was it.Similarly sitting among straight women - they would accept me as acuriosity (many thought it was cool to have cross-dressing friend) butthey did not want me sexually (again with the odd exciting exception whowas just wanted to a once-off experience).But sitting there among these women gain reinforced my shame - I couldnever be one of them, but they would never see me as a male either.Again the shame and the excitement in tandem!I started to take more and more risks to achieve the excitement andhumiliation I was seeking. Going out in daylight to shopping centres,cafes, straight bars and cinemas fully dressed. I started to wear moredaring outfits.I loved self humiliation. I.
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