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I was willing to bet this wasn't how Mama was hoping I'd react either. I was guessing that Brenda had said something to Joyce about feeling like she might need to stay with Emily in the Fall.This meeting was probably Mama's idea, attempting some sort of damage control. She probably figured it was better to have Emily staying with us, than to take any chance of us losing Brenda permanently.Her offering help to Shirley with her college expenses was probably just a case of her natural generosity towards people that she knew."What is it you're suggesting we do, Joyce? I'm not going to be changing my mind about what I said was necessary for Brenda to do, if she was joining us. She has to make a choice, and I won't make any changes or exceptions to that requirement. I won't agree to do anything with Brenda, not as long as she's doing things with Emily." Why are you being that way, Kenny? What difference does it make whether I do things with Emily, or with Joyce? Before, when we talked. I relish the screaming heat radiating from my hands as they’re plunged into a vat of boiling oil, cooking flesh that still lives. I shudder to the singing pain in my arms and legs, sometimes my stomach, as a sharp blade descends over and over, slicing and stabbing until the red of blood is flowing freely. All of these emotions, these visions build one on top of the other, until I am so overwhelmed in them that I wail with desire for some single, sharp, real pain to push me over the edge of what feels like dark orgasmic bliss. I don’t think about, I don’t desire, anything else, and sometimes I hold myself in this aching place for hours. Then he comes to me. He is the hero of my mind’s eye, tall and strong – sometimes thick and solid as an oak tree, sometimes lean and spry – always older and wiser, and always so strong. He doesn’t speak much but his voice is deep and slightly rough, his hair is wild, dark and curly – his eyes, always blue or gray or green, bore into my sole and read.
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