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He was also what some people would call a 'pillar of the church', deeply involved in the organisation and running of the establishment, seen as wholly respectable if perhaps rather puritanical. He courted Loraine with care and courtesy for a year before 'popping the question'.My mother, lonely, struggling financially, and missing her husband, did not take long to decide to accept his proposal, and they were married soon after. She soon discovered that some of his tastes in their marital relationships did not quite match with the impression he'd given while courting her, running to bondage, domination and sadism. It might have been an enormous problem, had she not discovered a serious submissive streak herself. Even the occasions when he lost his temper over something that was not to his liking; perhaps the house wasn't clean and tidy enough, or a meal not quite right, and he hit her; she just accepted it all and soaked it up. Of course, I didn't know about this until much later, I. Whether you're a man, a marine, or a little girl, it's okay to cry."Men didn't hug other men. But it felt so good and it had been so long... Something let go, and I cried and cried and sobbed and wailed and fought against the restraints to hug him back. When I finally cried myself out, he released his hug, and said he would be back tomorrow. I didn't want him to go. I felt so alone. So afraid...Michael showed up after lunch. He looked at me. "Okay Nick, what's the problem today?" I shook my head, and closed my eyes."Did you ever have the feeling that the only way to end the pain is to stop fighting?" He got a strange look on his face. "And you can't stop 'cause that's how you've been taught to face the world?" He rolled over to me, and held my hand."Nick, we can never stop fighting. When we do, we die. But sometimes we need to quit being our own enemies, and fighting against ourselves."Was he right? Could I stop fighting myself and still face the world? Or myself? For what the shrink.
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