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As the driver handed me the package, I became curious how he might have reacted if told of the contents, but realized he must deliver countless items far stranger and more grotesque than this. My mind reeled with the possibilities. Was it befitting the grandiose life of a famous New York City restaurateur Stan had lead for his ashes to be delivered by a mundane UPS man? It seemed like there should have been more fanfare of some type. Perhaps a somber group of white-coated waiters who humbly cradled the box in their arms as they ambled up the walk. Better yet, they carry his ashes inside a solid gold chafing dish within an ornate sedan chair, the outside adorned with bright gold trim-inside, the chafing dish would sit on a soft, crushed velvet maroon cushion. They would saunter up the front walk slowly, stepping with timed precision as if walking down a church aisle. Maybe a small busboys choir in flowing robes would be in step behind them, their fancy menus open from each of the. And I never went back.“So now what do I do, Father? I mean, I’ve called a curse down on myself. May God strike me dead if I break my vow – that’s what I said! And, you know, I’ve stuck with it, Father. I’ve kept my vow. Ever since then, I’ve not been fucked. And that was six months ago – probably just before you came to this parish, wasn’t it?”Bernie paused. And Father Jim sat in the half-light, bewildered, confused, and scared. This woman must be unstable, he thought. Stark raving mad, actually. Why else would she come to the confessional to tell him, in the filthiest language imaginable – what exactly? – that she had caught her husband in flagrante delicto and had now, on the rebound, forsworn sex?“Bernie… Bernie…” Jim fumbled for the right words. “What can I do for you? You have committed no mortal sin. You don’t need exorcism – or even confession. But do you want help? Counselling? We have a wonderful ministry here for separated and divorced Catholics: let me put you in touch.
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