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Even that didn’t take long, a quick change of tops and footwear, a splash of perfume, and I was ready. Oh the perfume… how my hand paused as I reached across my dresser. One bottle calls me, but I pass by it. No, I avoid it. Not because I don’t like it, its my favorite, but it was intended for someone else, it may go to waste, but no matter. I can rarely bring myself to touch it, even when I dust and rearrange my room. Looking at the clock, I still have time to kill, so I log onto my email. Its full and empty at the same time. Notes from bill payment services, reminders of bills to come, wishful shopping advertisements with just a few messages I bother to open. Sighing, thinking this might be a waste too, being the third time today I looked at it. At the sound of the doorbell, I close the lid to my laptop, glance around the room to see everything picked up, before going to the mirror to check my makeup. Seemingly just right, I find myself rushing to the door wondering if you are. On the one hand, it turned me on like I had neverexpected. On the other hand, I was experiencing a lot of conflict withmy sexuality. I will say in those days, that I would have more than abit of anxiety thinking that I was gay. I was more than a bit ignorantof the transgender scene, which was non-existent in my home town as faras I knew, and the internet was not as sophisticated as it is now. Itmay sound odd, or contradictory, but I guess I convinced myself that ifI was a woman, it would not be so wrong, but I was a man. In any event,I was pretty sure that I had taken my walk on the wild side and spentsome time overcompensating for it. A nice fantasy to use, but notsomething I would repeat. I would walk down the street desperatelytrying to make sure that I was attracted to every woman that went by.Unfortunately, my period of real chastity didn't last all that long.After a few weeks of trying to be very macho, I reverted back to beingmore feminine, at least in private. In.
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