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Even when Ted entered his early fifties, if the frequency of our couplings declined a little, they were always just as ardent. His love embraced not only me, but our girls and, I must add, Craig. I tried to delicately express these things to the minister and in his wisdom, what I left unsaid, I think he was able to work out for himself. At the funeral service, when speaking of Ted’s life, the minister moved through my relationship with Ted with the utmost sensitivity and although I had steeled myself not to cry at the service, I broke down and wept. I suppose it was at that funeral service the reality of Ted’s death began to take hold of me. Before that, I had intellectually known Ted was dead, but emotionally he was still with me. Of course, for long afterwards I still listened for the sound of his footsteps, his whistling as he worked in the shed. I still anticipated that I would wake up and find it was all a terrible dream, or I would meet him round the next corner. Gradually I. You sure? Janet asked. Tamara couldnt believe this woman, this black woman, would dare speak to question her so rudely. This is ridiculous. What is ridiculous is white women thinking they are better than other races, Janet said. I dont think that, Tamara said, even though that was what she had always thought, yet until now she had never spent this much time face to face with a woman of colour who wasnt a servant of hers or a friends. Is that so? Janet asked. Yes, Tamara said, trying to stand firm. Do you have maids? Janet questioned. Of course, Tamara answered. Are they white? Janet asked. No, Tamara admitted. Why not? Janet asked. Because that is not how the social hierarchy works? Tamara boldly answered, wanting to make it clear how this white community ran. And how does it work? Janet asked. You know how it works, Tamara countered, not backing down. Oh please share, I am just a dumb nigger, Janet sarcastically said standing up. Dont put words in my mouth, Tamara said, standing up.
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