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I had to tell him that it was never anything he did that caused me to do something so stupid and so selfish. God, how selfish was I? Even now when I remember the way I was thinking back then, it makes me sick to my stomach. Sick and miserable.I wonder what he thinks about me now? Or, if he even does think of me. And did he think of me during all those years? Like I thought of him? How many nights did he fall asleep, his hands holding his erection, wishing it were my hand holding him? As many as I did, using my fingers to ease the pain I felt from not having his body on mine, his hardness inside me where it belonged? All those years lost, the nights we could have been together, making love like we did before it all went to hell. Before I destroyed it all with my stupidity.And what made it even worse for me was that the last man inside me, the last man to have my body wasn't even my husband! It was Hugo! The man that I let destroy my marriage and send the man I love to prison! Hugo!. ." I stop myself before I make a fool out of myself and look down quickly. He smirks. "Never, ever ask the questions you do not truly want to know the answers to." He slaps a $20 on the counter and walks out. You may think it's not that big of a deal, but this is pertinent to my story because this was in an essence my beginning to the end. He stirred something in me, something that at the time I could not explain. The way he looked at me, the tone, the command, and the confidence that he exhibited made my stomach flutter; and for some reason I was excited for tomorrow to come. In addition to my uniform, I have a thing for stockings with laced tops. My Mother would have killed me should she witness such harlot like behavior. Our legs are meant to be covered for Christ’s sake! But what Mommy didn’t know, couldn't hurt her! I was here living the grown up life, and making my own decisions..which I am thankful I don't have to make anymore, because He makes them for me. His name is.
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